Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
"Especially as a sensitive person, we can struggle to set clear boundaries and protect our wellbeing. Instead, we might fall into the people pleasing trap, trying to keep the harmony – often at our own expense."
So what is keeping us from setting healthy boundaries? Here are some examples you might recognise:
1. Fear of rejection & abandonment. In the past this might have happened, and since we’re wired for belonging we might have chosen to keep the peace instead of speaking up. Now you’re an adult who can make healthy choices.
2. Fear of confrontation, which means pain and chaos. Especially as a sensitive person (HSP or empath), confrontation might be extra overwhelming and intense. Nevertheless, sometimes you need to go through a short moment of intensity to establish long term peace.
3. Old survival patterns & trauma. In our childhood (or even past lives), keeping the peace might have meant staying safe. Your boundaries also might have been stretched by people disrespecting you, crossing your boundaries repeatedly.
4. Inherited boundaries. Boundaries you also unconsciously pick up from your nearest and dearest. We might have been (unintentionally) taught that being nice means being good and acceptable, or we were taught that you only deserve love when always being available – even at your own expense.
5. Lack of self-love & self-esteem. You can’t set a boundary you cannot feel internally. Setting healthy boundaries is an embodied practice of healthy self esteem. It’s an inner knowing you’re worthy to choose for your own wellbeing.
Special note: when you’re an empath. Empaths feel pranic energy and other people’s emotions like their own. This makes it particularly difficult to understand your own needs and feelings, plus when you express them the cost of setting a boundary can be higher and more stimulating due to your high sensitivity.
Healthy boundaries aren’t built in one big confrontation, they’re built in the little moments that shape our lives.
So how do you set healthy boundaries?
– Pause and feel your body. How do you feel about something? Allow yourself time to respond (buy time by saying “I’ll get back to you in a bit”)
– Start small with mini boundaries. Start with something less scary, you’ll gain confidence the more you practice and see new, good results. Your nervous system learns the best through repetition, not insight alone.
– When you set a boundary you might feel guilty. Acknowledge the feeling but don't act upon it. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing something morally wrong, rather see it as a good sign you’re doing something new you’re simply not used to yet. Breaking a pattern is always uncomfortable in the beginning.
–You’re allowed to change your mind. Give yourself permission to do so.
–Anticipate people might have to get used to you speaking up.Accept some people might not like it. Pushback is normal and often also temporary. Those who keep disrespecting your needs might not be your people.
The responsibility to protect your own wellbeing will always lie with you.
Healthy boundaries aren’t built in one big confrontation, they’re built in the little moments that shape our lives. They have more to do with you, rather than with the other person and you can leave their reaction with them, however the responsibility to protect your own wellbeing will always lie with you.
Would you like to assess your boundary health? Comment "BOUNDARY" and I’ll send you a completely free boundary health check.
* This post is meant as education, not therapy.
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